Today I turn 32 and I feel a shift.
The past few years have taken me down a spiritual exploration. I was focused on healing, opening up and learning how to be kind to myself. This was reflected in my yoga and gym practices. It was also reflected in the permission I learned to give myself to say NO, to quit books I was not into, to throw out my to-lists on days I felt overwhelmed, to retreat to my room with the request for no one to disturb me when I had a headache and the liberty to get more massages.
And while I still reserve my right to do all of these things, I feel like the need for some of them is passing and I am ready to shift my energies to expending as opposed to conserving energy.
My yoga practice has been more private in the past two years. I have done so much more at-home practices, than group classes. I have done more gentle yin and restorative classes. Sometimes, I find a pose that opens something up in me and I stay there and cry or reach for my journal. I have not practiced very many inversions or gone to many hot classes.
A few months ago, I realized how much I missed the more intense, heated classes and slowly have started to taking more here and there. I am ready to start incorporating them more into my weekly practice and work on improving some of my physical asanas, while still remembering to practice the other seven limbs of the yoga tree.
I have also noticed a desire for a shift in my workout practices. My husband bought me boxing gloves to learn to shadow box and defend myself. I avoided learning to jab and block for as long as I could. The thought of anything violent makes me want to shrink into myself and brings up past traumas. I was motivated by the calorie burning shadowing boxing could bring and I finally agreed to start practicing. While learning to throw jabs and crosses, I tapped into apart of myself that was completely foreign. Anger.
I realize that I feel pretty uncomfortable with anger. I am scared of it and it feels unnatural to me. But, as I begin to throw hooks and crosses into the boxing bag gloves my husband held up, I felt myself tap into anger and release it with each intense throw.
Yet, it’s there. I need to acknowledge it and sit with it, just like I did with my sadness and loss. I feel motivated to keep this practice up and see where it takes me both physically and emotionally.
At 32, I am ready to find the balance I am always searching for in my life. I have spent enough time the past few years resting, healing, crying and going within. I am ready to still keep those introverted practices alive, yet get outside of myself more and increase the intensity in other areas.
To celebrate my birthday over the weekend, I returned to the skating where I also celebrated my 7th birthday. It helped me to remember lighter, funner times and I hope to keep that momentum going throughout this year.