The past week turned my life a little topsy turvy and I was presented with the opportunity to practice all the heart opening I had been doing on the mat and everything I had been talking about on this blog last month, during the Heart Opening Project.
This month marks three years since my dad was shot and killed (you can read a little more about that here). There was an arrest made in this case and it is looking like it is finally making it’s way to trial, hopefully,….maybe. There is always the chance there will still be more continuances, extensions, and whatever other legal nuiances out there that can make this judicial process extremely inefficient and frustrating.
I have tried, I mean really tried, not to get too caught up in this case. I have tried to separate it out from my healing journey. But, this week, as I entered the court room to begin this process, I felt so much of the trauma, fear, anxiety and panic flooding back.
Instead of trying to be a pillar of strength, instead of trying to pretend like I was OK and “over” the grief, instead of trying to be strong for others, I asked for help.
This was not easy. It is not my natural tendency. I generally try to handle hardships on my own, in my own head and with my own resources.
But, I am (hopefully) past that point in my life. I have good people around me and I cannot do this on my own.
I sent out text messages to friends to tell them how I was feeling. I immediately took my husband up on his offer to take off work and be by my side, when normally I would have brushed that off and pretended I would be OK. I did the same with my mom when she offered, because even at 31, some situations still call for your mommy. I took time after I left the court house to take care of myself, eat healthy, get a massage and sweat it out at hot yoga. I talked about it, journaled, cried, felt and gave thanks for all the support I found.
Although it was not my natural tendency, it begin to feel acceptable and I hope I am finally getting to the place where I can open my heart up to others. I am learning the good people out there will know how to treat your heart, but you need to let them in first.
Thank-you to all my friends and family who offered their love and hearts this past week, and a special thank-you to one of my caring students who wrote me this lovely note, reminding me of advice I had once given here and making me some beautiful hand-made gifts.